the ghost of solitude and anamorphosis

sprout of love

In a space where there was no horizon, no house, no furniture, nothing, only existed a pure white color. I was standing there, in front of a mirror. A weird mirror which only reflected me and a black dark space behind me. But when I moved little closer to it, the scene gradually changed. My flesh and skin slowly turned transparent in the center. I could see my organs working like a mechanical clock. The blood flowed inside all of my veins, into the heart which was beating quietly. It was like I was watching a real life documentary movie of how human’s organs work. But something was wrong there, something was not in the usual shape like what I had learnt from biological class about human body. The heart shape was have something like a sprout grew out on top. It has color of a light yellow lemon, inside my body. What was it, how long had it been here and what the cause, I didn’t know.Everything became blurry and I woke up from the dream.

A shiny day. Of course, it was still in the summer period. I could hear the sound of children running around the house with laughter. Birds were chirping outside my window. In front of my house, a fat lady, house clean lady – i guessed was doing her usual job of organizing and cleaning the room. I began my day a little late today. But who would care? I just had to call my boss for coming late  and then I could have my breakfast in peace. Beside, I just had had a heavy headache the day before, everyone knew. Therefore, I could use that as an excuse for coming late. After that thought, I dragged myself slowly to the bathroom to brush my teeth. IT was so blurry, I meaned everything around me. Everything became heavier that it actually is. Only lifting the toothbrush to clean my teeth and I had felt pretty tired and heavy. “What is happening to me” – i wondered,” the headache should have gone, I feel no pain, no heat inside my body, what is this goddamn heavy?”. A flash of memory came back to me, in a series of images which I felt so familiar yet so hard to recognize. The dream of me standing in the all white room, in front of the mirror which only reflected me and the dark black space behind. An SFX image of me looking into my organs, into my heart . The heart which had a sprout growing out without any reason, any meaning. After that, another image dashed into my vision. I was sleeping wearily in my place, with my wet cloth on my forehead and bowl of cool water on the left of my cushion, and then my phone rang, someone’s familiar to me was calling me but I could hardly remember who. I heard the ring but I couldn’t bring myself to answer it. I realized all of those were the memories of yesterday’s night. I tried to brush my teeth fast, spit out the water after brushing,  cleaned my face, turned to the phone and looked. That was a call from my ex-boyfriend, a great cheater who i had loved. I clicked delete and then turned to the kitchen to prepare breakfast.” No matter what happen to him, it is none of my concern now. We haven’t text or called each other after months so why now calling me”. Even though I didn’t want to think about it, the thought still struck my head for a while. ” Anyway, it’s time to go to work ” I looked at my swatch and rushed out of the house.

“Your ex-boyfriend, K., he was dead last night. Did you know ?” my colleague toll me

I was about to settle on my seat when she approached me and told me about the incident. That… was kind of a shock to me.


và tôi đã nghĩ thuốc lá thực sự làm con người cảm thấy lâng lâng mà quên đi stress hay phiền muộn


chỉ đơn giản là, với một số người họ muốn được chạm vào một cái gì đó, một cái gì đó mà họ nghĩ mang lại cho họ sự bình yên.

điếu thuốc mềm như làn môi một con người thật. đã bao lâu tôi chưa được chạm lấy 1 ai cho tôi cảm giác gần gũi như thế. Tôi chưa từng biết hút trước đây. Chỉ một ngày, một ngày trong mọi ngày, chúng ta đột nhiên biết làm 1 thứ mà trước kia chúng ta đã ko làm đc

chỉ đơn giản là cậu ko tạo được cảm giác lâng lâng nhưng cậu mang lại sự gần gũi mỗi khi những làn môi chạm nhẹ vào nhau. Và làn khói toả ra ấm áp tựa như 1 một bàn tay ấm nồng vuốt nhẹ lên da tôi, mơn trớn, dịu dàng.

We only have one child, the one who always makes us proud for her success. Other than her, we have none

Did you find happiness in raising your children ?

no, i don’t


Scala died, yesterday, after jumping off a 60 metres high building.

It was a busy hot summer day. Everyone was rushing toward their nearest foodstore to grab their lunch, and then returned quickly to their office. The streets were all occupied with cars, noise from the cars horns, voices of people kept pestering other to move quickly. Everything was like any other day in a city that never stop until it was broken by a scream of an mid aged woman, and then there was a sound of something crashing into a car. It was Scala. From the rooftop of the car, she was lying there, eyes opened without any emotion. Blood came out of her mouth. Far far away, minutes later, sound polices car was coming near.

I returned to my hometown just to know that Scala was dead. Inside the coffin, cladded in white, buried under silver lilly branches, she was sleeping so beautifully, just like the first time i met her. She was sleeping. So terribly calm. I put my lilly branch on her chest. I touched her gently on the face, only to feel a deadly coldness of souless body. ” so it is real” i thought, and then returned to my seat. 

I received a letter 2 days later, from Scala. 

” dear Juliana, 

Inside the war (cont)

My family was very poor.

 My dad was a mine worker. In those days, he had to work hard in order to feed the mouths of others 5 members beside him: my mom, me, my 3 youger sisters. He woke up very early in the morning, ate his meal and then left to work. My mom was a cook. After feeding my dad, she would go to a big house at the end of the road to cook for the family in that house. I and my sisters would wake up a bit later. I took care of my sisters, especially the youngest one – Ann who was only 3 at that time. I would feed her with poridge while eating bread crumbs and pumpkin soup. The others 2 also had the same meals as mine. Then, we finished the dishes and go to school. At that time, Sam was 6 and Lydia was 7 i was 10. We went to the same school. But i could not let Ann stay home alone so i asked the school to bring her in and they accepted that. It wasnt an easy task, bringing a kid to school. I asked the teacher for a room for her to stay and luckily i got one, a store at backyard of the school. Ann was only a kid but she was an obidient and smart kid. She would stay quiet for a whole day if i told her to do that, in a well manner too. There were props in the store so she could play with it to kill time ( i had taught and told  her not to play with something sharp, heavy or cause fire and she had followed it well at home) so i didnt have to worry about her that much. We divided time shift to come to the store and watch her. I watched her every 45 mins, Sam every hour and Lydia every hour and a half. Sam might have neglect to do his responsiblity because he was an active boy and love to play. But Lydia was very caring. She would come there and talk and play with Ann for sometimes. After school, We would go home together with Lydia holding Anns hand while Sam played around the fence on the road. 

Those days were happy and tough too. We didnt have much food to eat so i had to spare my portion with Sam and Lydia. sam and Lydia might fight each other for a bread crumb but they were all willing to give Ann the soup. In the winter, the cold nearly paralyzed our body. I hold Ann in my arms, Sam and Lydia would hold each other hands. But Sam was a energetic boy so his limbs were always on the move, in which it made it hard for Lydia to hold his hands long. She ended up scratching both her hands instead while Sam jumped up and down the road all the time. when we reached school we couldnt barely felt anything. I nearly wanted to faint but my feet were frozen too, like a statue.  At those time, Ann would hold my feet and scratced them with her hands. She always smile even when the cold bit her face pretty bad, it had turned pale green already.

 Everything went smoothly until one day, dad lost his job.

 We were in a critical time because only moms wage couldnt support the family. We could buy food with moms wage but we could only let one child went to school and we had a little money left in case someone got sick. Sam and i both asked her if we could continue studying. We all thought dads gonna find a job soon but we didnt know, about the future. One month, two months, six months passed and he could hardly find any job because the economy went worse. Many manufactures closed down, job working in mine lessened.

 Dad changed too, since then. He hadnt had much time playing with us but he had used to smile to us whenever he came home. He would advice us to take care of each other, told us to wear warm in the winter, said goodnight and made us to promise study hard when he took us to sleep. In the mean time he didnt had a job, he ate with us and helped us with cleaning. When we left home he would wave at us and tell us to work hard. But then, 8 months being a burden drove him into depression. One day he brought home a bottle of wine. The next day there was another different bottle of wine. 2, 3 days later he brought home different bottle of wine and finished them everyday. We tried to stop him but it was no use. 1 month, 2 month many months passed. Mother cried everynight in the kitchen. Sam, from an energetic boy who used to be on the moved all time, gradually became quiet. Lydia didnt say anything anymore and did her chores everyday. The house economy went worse. I had to quit school and went to cook instead of mother. MOther try to look for coking job somewhere and she got a job at selling meat in the market. Everyday we went home feeling depress. Noone say anything at all. 

There came a day, father went out and never come home. It was a rainy day we all waited for him till late. It was all in vain. 

Spring came, summer went, fall passed and winter came. Father was nowhere to be found, heard or known. Mother went sick. It was an illness of the heart. Sam and Lydia exchange their roles to take care of both mom and Ann. That winter was so so long. Snow fell non stop, heavy and fast. We werent able to call a doctor to come to our home. The only thing we could do was take care of mom and hope for the best. One night, mom called out to us and said

– sam, lydia, kea i have talked to your aunts and uncles about adopting you guys. If it continue like this, im afraid …cough….all of you will have to go seperately. I have wrote a letter for all of you so if …cough…something happen to me… Cough … Cough…

– nothing could happen to you, mom. I promise i protect you mom. SAM said.

Mom smiled 

– we wont know what hold beyound us. My children. One day you will all leave me… Cough…so… Cough… Beside this is just in case. Sam, you and Lydia will go to aunt&uncle Bens house. They will arrange you a work, or if you guys lucky… Cough…cough, you can work in a school so … Cough… May be you can learn something while working there. Kea, you will go to aunts Alma house to help her with everything…cough…cough…im sorry Kea…cough…she lived in a very far away town so …cough….cough…you might not be able to get home…cough…cough… When you grow up…Cough cough… And Ann, aunt Ama sais she didnt like kid but if you could take care of it …cough… Then its oke for her to stay with you… Cough…i told her she was a good child… Cough… So she didnt have to worry if Ann do something troublesome to her… Cough… Cough… Can you take care of her ? Kea.

-yes ,mom. 

Mother couldnt live until next spring. We did accordingly to mothers will. We sold the house with stuffs inside (theres no much things left inside the house since we had sold it to survive after father lost his job) i took half the money. Sam and Lydia the rest. Lydia didnt say a word. She cried so hard. SAm tried to be a man but after we departed to go to different path, i saw his shoulder was shaking, he was sniffing, along with Lydia. We hugged each other so so tight before that. Ann didnt know what exactly was going on but she could sense it. I guessed. She kissed and hugged both Lydia and Sam tightly, like she was so afraid they wouldnt meet each other again. Ann smiled at both of them till the end. 

Inside the war

How many days has it been since I’m staying in this wet small cave. The enemy has attacked my house, my world. And I’m running away, run away from their blood-thirst massacre. What was it like, let me recall again.

 I woke up from a loud noise below my room, which was on the 1st floor. I came down just to see some soldiers were standing at the door. The light from the outside drew out dark crooked shapes on the house carpet. One soldier was holding a sword, at the other end of his sword was my aunts body. Blood ran out, tainted her white pyjama with crimson red, she was terrifying, till death. I was dead frozen. What was it like, i tried to run away, quietly in a rush without letting them know. I used my right palm to cover my mouth. My left palm lie upward on it, tightly.
” it was just a dream, it was just a dream!” I deluded myself while running to my room . I closed the door, ran to a corner of the room and inhale heavily, like someone who was cut of his/her oxygen for a very long time. “I want to die. But not that cruelly like that. They are gonna kill me ruthlessly. They may even rape me before doing that. No” I feared. My eyes opened wide, my legs were cramping. But i had to stand up. I leaned on the cupboard beside my left shoulder. I grabbed the doorknob and used all my strength to push my body up against it. My legs were still cramped but i had to move. I unveiled the curtain to make sure if there was any soldier outside the house. The scenes outside was worse than a fiction i had read. Everything was torn down. The car, the light,… And human. Was it a human body? Just then i heard a sound of somebody going upstair. ” they are going to catch me” an instant thought appeared quickly like an electronic movement. I pulled the curtain down and tied them as fast as possible. Then i opened the window and threw the rope out. I quickly took with me the picture on the window, hid it inside my clothes. Then, i tied one end of the robe to the windows bar and hold it tightly to climb down. When they entered my room and saw me escaping. They shouted, that was when i had climbed down 8 9th of the robe. One guy took out a gun and aimed at me. I jumped off the robe and ran, left behind the sound of gunshot , they shot 3 times. I ran and ran and ran. I was so tired, i didnt even know where to ran anymore. I ran across a tank. Luckily, there was no man in the tank right at the time, but where were they? 

 -dang-dang the gunshot. I was missed.

 I ran away again, like a rat being found by a man, it fast and furiously.
“Kill her” they shouted” block that damn brat path, dont let she get away”. And then there appeared some men on the road ahead of me. I looked around the area and swiftly veered away to the left. That had a house which door was opened. The corpse lying all around the house but i didnt have time to look whether someone still alive. I ran to the window at the other end of the house and jumped out. Before that, i snatched a glass cup and threw to a direction different from where i would run to. I ran out of that house safely and enter into the wood at the back of my city. There was suddenly raining so i had to find a place to hide.

Everything i dont have

A news on siteboard ” Recruitment: we want YOU to join our wonderful, dynamic team. It is easy and simple to join, just visit our website and click ‘apply’. What we require from you is EVERYTHING YOU DONT HAVE”

A muted clam whom body is waiting to be boiled for tonights dinner. She cant talk, she cant even show that she still longs for live. She doesnt have the most important thing to touch humans emotion, a voice. Everything she doesnt have, its only one.